Some days I fear that I have inherited a tendency to worry so much that this all encompassing fret almost eclipses life itself. I don´t know where this came from (well, I DO have a suspicion), more to the point this inclination has gotten worse throughout the years. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can not switch off at all.
Someone once told me to imagine a bin with a very heavy lid. I should (mentally) throw / place / shove / kick / violently hurl / etc. all worrying points, items, whatever into that mental dungeon and lock the lid on tight.
For some reason, I always imagined a huge pink bin with a subterranean vault, which would store all these worries away until I was ready to face them again. Needless to say that did not work... was it because I trivialised it by choosing the colour pink for my bin? I wonder.
I am baring my soul here. Seriously embarrassing maybe, but I have lost the ability to write by hand. Words pour forth into this blog, rendering my diary useless. So I no longer care who reads this or why. I just need to get this suffocating weight off my chest. (and yes, I am a drama queen. If not in real life, at least here!!!)
What concerns me at the moment?
So many little things that I hardly know where to start. Personal and professional hiccups. Should I start with the personal? The professional? ...or just ramble:
Ever since my friend died in 1999, I have harboured a strong fear of loss (of family & partners). It surfaces suddenly, out of the blue. Generally at night, right before I slip away into sleep´s oblivion.
Went to a funeral recently and that triggered more intense spasms.
Thankfully I met someone on my travels whose still profound grief for a long-ago loss showed me that it was ok to still feel the scar. Time does not heal wounds completely, but it does help dull the pain of loss.
Do you also get the inescapable feeling on encountering a stranger that they will play an important role in your life? "Stick with her/him" an inner voice whispers to me, "they have the answer to something you seek."
No, I do not instinctively know what answers they hold or what new doors they will open. They just exert an irresistible pull, translating into a fluttering around the solar plexus. I know that all will be revealed in due course.
Do I believe in fate? That is a hard one. I do not know. I do not NOT believe in it. I just do not know. Belief is such a political issue nowadays. Especially since we recently voted against minarets...!
However back to my fears and worries:
WORK
I worry that my performance on this (now past) project is not up to the expected standard. Although my boss was pleased, I do not believe I performed that well in the eyes of her superior.
I worry that I made a strategic mistake of dismissing marketing as a future career path. Not that this decision is set in stone, yet I did make a passing remark to someone at work and believe that it may have registered.
I worry that I am pigeon-holed at the tender age of 28.
I worry that I am not doing a good enough job in my current position.
Everything seems to be going ok, for some reason it feels like I am sailing on high sea, enjoying the calm before a storm.
Some customers really piss me off by trying to outplay us. It may be packaged nicely in a charming facade, however the game gets old real fast. Especially if it is played every time.
I worry that my brain seems to be sluggish and lazy. I have trouble finding words, trouble articulating my needs. Not that anyone notices, but I have observed a marked difference to how fast I absorb information.
Guess I should take up further studies or something. Kick start this idle grey matter.
(Note: No, I am not normally this pessimistic and CERTAINLY not suicidal!!! I am just listing all fears that have occupied my mind in the past few weeks. Think inner cleansing ritual.)
PERSONAL
I worry that I am not getting enough input / reading enough: News, current affairs, trends, fashions, etc all pass me by. Admittedly, that is a gross exaggeration. Though does not diminish how I feel.
I worry that I am getting to complacent. I really enjoy living together with my partner, having furniture (not just a bed and two boxes of cooking utensils) and just in general settling down. Even if it is in my home town and not somewhere glamorous (like a metropolis).
I have lived & worked in Paris, New York, Kuala Lumpur, Zürich, Bern, Morges, and Geneva. Thanks to my travels during the past two years Bangkok feels like a second home in Asia.
All those past experiences seem to belong to another life, another person.
My life is compartmentalized like a chest of drawers. Some drawers are dustier than others, some are constantly open. I wonder if you, if other people feel like I do?
I am very good at befriending people and then moving away, instantly severing the bond. I have done so for so many years, it frightens me how easy it is.
At the beginning it hurt really bad to see so many people I cared for drop like flies at the wayside (decisions made on both sides). I only kept those friends I truly connected with. Now back "home", all those weak ties are just waiting to be picked up again and I find that I do not have the energy.
Energy - I worry about my health. I have been going for regular vitamin b12 shots and I fear that my body has become reliant on the medicine. I cramp up continuously for no reason. My magnesium and iron levels are supposedly fine. Had a recent check up (just a follow up) and am still waiting for the results.
My hair. Has become completely unmanageable. Do not know why. Very annoying.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and do not recognise myself. I search for the girl I once knew, lying on her green carpet with a book glued to her hand, head full of dreams and possibilities. Do I miss her? In a way I do. But she is still inside me, a fundamental part of my character. It is the layers between my current persona and her that I do not recognise.
The years have streaked by like lightning and I have not had time to grasp what I did, what happened and where I am going. I hope I never do... its all part of life´s rich adventure!