I finally feel like writing. It has been ages. I have missed you!!!
This emotional roller coaster is currently cruising... thank goodness!
I feel, I feel, I can feel again!
Have been numb these past few weeks, imagine a machine going through the motions of living.
Thankfully little moments of joy have kept me sane and allowed me short breaks from this awful passivity.
Don't get me wrong, I am nor have been depressed, it is as if I were split in two: one part of me is enjoying life, meeting up with friends, laughing, going out, having fun. The other girl is sitting on a shelf somewhere, wishing she were somewhere else.
For lack of a better description I call this disconnect "inner imbalance".
Despite being thrilled to bits about being able to go to NYC, counting the minutes even, I do feel rather apprehensive. For no reason whatsoever. I always prided myself on being able to leave at the drop of a hat. Passport & credit card always at the ready.
Am quite shocked to discover that I have built up a cosy comfort zone and part of me is reluctant to leave. Again, I feel as if I am harbouring a split personality:
One half, let's call her Velvet, is comfortably eating chips with her feet up on the sofa. She has everything she needs here, friends, family, a good job, an easy life. The other half, Apple, is raring to go. Feels stifled by her current conservative Swiss surroundings, wants change, a dynamic environment, to grow, new input, breathe new air, encounter new situations, in short: to LIVE.
Apple I can identify with.
Velvet is rather alien to me, yet I am her or she is me. As you wish.
Does this make sense? I do not know. Just know I am encountering emotions I have never felt before:
To be harsh, I'd describe Velvet as a real bitch. Takes what she needs, when she wants it. Ruthless and inconsiderate. If something doesn't go her way, she's tempted to lash out or throw a tantrum.
(Note to reader: No, of course I do not suddenly stamp my foot and throw myself on the floor screaming & howling. Please. Be realistic. Am describing inner emotions here. Outwardly Velvet presents a poker face. It's always poker face with her.)
She is also running. Running far and hard. Running from the situation. Running from being dependent on her husband. Running from irrational fears. Running, just running.
Find this person, this part of me, quite disturbing. Did not realise that I had a "Velvet".
Now not only do I have to come to terms with her existence, I also have to accept her as part of me.
She completely threw me out of balance.
A colleague recommended trying naturopathy. He went through a bad patch (divorce, fighting for right of custody of his kid, etc.) and apparently a naturopath helped him a lot.
Of course my situation is not nearly as dramatic (I mean "hello"!), but was intrigued so decided to give it a try.
My first meeting with this practitioner was an eye opener for me. She wanted to know what key events had happened in my life, what had affected me in the months leading up to this "imbalance", what makes me feel afraid, angry, sad, etc.
Once I started talking, I could not stop. Realised that I have been carrying around a ton of ignored emotions, starting with this impending move out of my comfort zone, giving up my job, my financial independence, on to my pulmonary embolism in June, as far as the month I spent in hospital two years back and going even further to forgotten emotions in high school and my youth.
She reminds me of a wise owl. Asking the right questions, waiting for me to find the answer that will unlock closed doors.
Recently had an epiphany. Was driving towards Zürich, singing along to the radio when all of a sudden the lyrics "life is not worth a damn until you can say, I am what I am" hit me full frontal. The doors to carefully locked emotions and fears abruptly swung open. (Imagine a chest of drawers standing in a corner and suddenly all drawers fly out, spilling the contents all over the place.) I took a good look at everything hidden in there and realised that they were not worth harbouring, nor hiding.
Feeling very "eat, pray, love" I accepted all exposed negative thoughts, emotions & fears and decided to move on. Was really liberating.
I know I sound like a profound basket case and hope that Velvet will soon fade into the background, maybe eventually even disappear. Even if she doesn't I am learning a lot about myself.
What a process!